Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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