so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
