can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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