i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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