I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
