take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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