i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
