haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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