Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
