I heard we made out
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
