you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
