It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize