i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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