Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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