think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize