You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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