Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
