I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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