Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
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