Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
