Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
