Just fell off a train. Bad.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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