my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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