Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
