my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
