I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
