The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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