respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
