life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
