If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
