woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
