you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
