Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
