If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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