i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
