i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
