I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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