dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
