Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
