I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just want to make out with him forever
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
