I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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