It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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