i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
