Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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