By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I can feel your judgement through the phone
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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