What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
