you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
