Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
People in love make me want to vomit
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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