either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
