my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
