my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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