You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
