Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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