How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
