I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
