This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
